Fear Itself

So,  I was really good about posting everyday for a while there, until this week.  Suddenly, I had a lot of trouble caring about updating the world on how I've been.  I'm sure no one really cares about this as much as I do, but I felt the need to explain a bit.  It's been a crazy week.  There are a few poems I've written, that I just haven't felt inclined to post publicly, for personal reasons.  I know... this blog is my personal journal... but every once in a while, I have to hermit myself from the world.  It's funny where and when I choose to draw that line I suppose, but it's my prerogative, yeah?

Anyway, here I am.  Letting the world know: I'm not dead yet.  

Monday morning we will take our five year old in to get his tonsils and adenoids removed and get tubes put into his ears.  We're hoping that this will mean better sleeping for the entire family due to less coughing and an increased ability to properly breathe.  I asked him if he was scared yesterday and he said, "I don't need to be scared; I have everything I need."  This was, of course, after I assured him that he would not be alone at the hospital (which was apparently his biggest concern).

I have to say, that made me think.  There are a lot of things in life that scare me -- mostly myself, quite frankly.  And I get stuck on the details of this and that and how we are paying for that and how I'm gonna make this work and won't someone please think of the children!  But when it comes down to it, I'm surrounded by literally EVERYTHING I need; I just need to get that truth to reconcile my head and my heart with each other.  

I have several people in my life who are working very hard to help me to understand all this (and if you think I'm talking about you, I most likely am), but I have a very thick skull, so this could take a while to sink in.  

I can only say that my husband has infinite patience as I struggle with figuring all of this out (like what I want to do with my life if/when I grow up), and for that, I'm eternally grateful.  It seems like I'm constantly retreating "inside myself" lately, but he's always there, waiting for me to come out again, with open arms to hold me (usually while I cry about it).

I think everything that I've ever been taught to believe in is (and has been for a while now) up for debate.  The only thing I know for sure is that I know that God feels like this is okay, and (S)He loves me through it all too.  One thing I've realized, thanks to my honey, even when I turn around and try to run away, (S)He is everywhere and there is NO running away.  This is the beautiful state of grace: pushing away from those Great Arms, only to turn and land in them with the next fall.

So, really, someday I'll realize the truth of the statement my son made yesterday.  In the meantime, thanks for your support and patience.

Devotion

   for Jeff, the only ocean I ever want to be lost in

Drowning in the icy blue

   makes me feel most alive

Intense sensations here with you

   in ever deeper dive

You overwhelm defenses

   and wash away the mess

You engulf me with your presence

   submerged in sweet caress

Knowing my attempts to swim

   are swept up in desire

Carried on current's every whim

   and waving ever higher

You beckon me to come to you

   to rest within your gaze

I float into your arms subdued

   anchored safely here -- amazed

Sowing and Reaping

Putting on airs

to hide lonely stares

You know you look good

   and you're better than us

And your voice shines like silver

   so you enjoy all the fuss

Act tough enough

No one calls your bluff

You take what you want

   or you think you deserve

And then scoff at the hurting

   with little reserve

You hide in your act

And forget what you lack

Your beautiful wife

   can't begin to compare

With your unreal desires

   of fanciful affair

A lost soul you keep

For a price far too steep

You'll want what you've lost

   those you've put at arms length

When you realize the cost

   in your sense of false strength

The Mercy of the Prophet

To know

To see

To grow

To be

To envision the outcome

   before it's time

To carry the sorrows

   deep inside

To desire to fix things

   but waiting first

To foresee what's ahead

   and feeling the hurt

To hold up your family

   silently weeping 

To wonder why you're the one

  chosen for keeping

To take hold of

   this struggle to cope

To follow in love

   and live for the hope

To be

To grow

To see

To know

Ants Unmarching (Learning About Death)

for Rodney

Peering closely, crouching down

Close as possible to the ground

His impish eyes stare

Ignoring bustling grown-ups

Brushing by with cares

The tiny specks amaze

Their endless movements race

Swarming in his boyish wonder

Hardly noting piles of junk

With yard sale treasured plunder

He reaches out in sheer delight

And grasps in fists held tight

He trips along with special find

Assuring no escape

In fingertips entwined

He holds them out in childish stride

to feel his mother's pride

But shrieks at his now broken toys

His mother can't protect

Her sobbing little boy

Like a Radio

for Mel

Her voice whispers over wires

   and she lifts a glass for me

   showing what the liquid means

With words that buzz

   out of static and fuzz

   in my brain's lost and frightened haze

When last we gazed

   face to face

   and caught each other's eye

A decade, since, has turned the page

   and life keeps passing by

Vastly miles separate

   but still our souls connect

With simple phrase

   or whispered prayer

   or bottled sorrows spilled

She's somehow here

   when I'm in need

   an unexpected friend

And after all the time and space

   I find I need to feel

She gives my hand a glass to hold

   and pours another drink

A Bonding of Souls

CAUTION: What follows here is a highly blunt and honest post (like so many of mine are).  I share for the benefit of fellow travelers on this road of life, so they may be wary the pitfalls before them...

~~~~~

When I was in Christian high school, it was hammered into us (several times a year), that sex was EVIL.  The argument went something like this (my paraphrase of multiple lessons pulled from the recesses of my faulty memories):  

Sex creates a bond between two people that can never be broken.  God intended this bond to be created only within the marriage relationship, with the intention that it would serve to bring the husband and wife together in an unbreakable bond.  And that is why you should never have sex outside of marriage.  

If you do have sex with someone, it's like gluing your soul to theirs.  (Enter object lesson here: hold up two different colored construction paper hearts and glue them together).  This is fine as long as you're in a strong and stable relationship with that person.  But look what happens when the bond is made and then broken... (Tear the two hearts apart from one another and note the remaining bits of paper stuck on each of the hearts from the other).  You leave a bit of yourself behind.  The more you bond with various people in this way and rip those bonds apart, the more shattered and torn your heart becomes (you can figure out how this works in the object lesson, right?)...

So, of course the theory/argument is... Don't have sex and you won't have this problem.  Great lesson for teens, right?  

WRONG!

I'm  not debating the truth in this lesson.  There is something about saving sex for a marriage relationship that I obviously think God had figured out.

My problem is this... there are other ways to bond one's soul to someone else.  I would know.  I'm still dealing with a few wounds of my own in this "soul bonding" area in past relationships that have absolutely NOTHING to do with physical acts of sex. (And, not to get on a side trail, there are those that can convincingly argue that there is the ability to have a physical act without any actual soul bonding taking place.)

So here's the thing... The bond begins long before the first physical touch.  If you let a person inside your soul, there will be a bond... and that will do far worse when it's broken than just "leaving a few pieces of yourself behind"... 

Frankly, it will rip your soul to pieces.  And while time, space, and a healthy dose of grace and forgiveness can heal the pain, there will always be a scar.  Even when you're "over" one another and no longer share in that way, the person who put that scar there, will ALWAYS be able to rip it back open again, unless you figure out how to stop them.  

And if you do... please let me know.  

I'm tired of bleeding.