Purple

To the God of the evening...

of heliotrope dusk
in violet-blue shadows

...blessing.

To the God of the moonlight...

of amethyst gems

in silvery-mauve beams

...honor.

To the God of the midnight...

of indigo blindness

in aubergine still

...awe.

To the God of the mountains...

of lilac-silk majesty

and plum-darkened throne

...glory.

To the God of the oceans...

of deep orchid rain

and tyrian waves

...power.

To the God of the meadows...

of heathered frivolity

and lavender rest

...praise.

To the God of creation...

of courageous love raging

through mysterious trust known

...everything.

~~~~~~~
Based off of Psalm 148

To my Muses with Love...

You'll never be forgotten,
So please don't walk away.

I don't like it when we're fighting;
Can we please just talk this out?

You work for me; I work for you.
I need you as much as you need me.

Without you I've got nothing to say;
Without me you've no one to say it.

Can we both have what we need?
Can we treat each other kindly?

Can we ignore the ones who judge us
And write things anyway?

Come back to me, my dear, sweet muses.
Hold me close and I'll hold you.

Quilted

It’s a piece of my childhood
that held me at night.

Constructed
from shreds of memories
left behind.

Stitched with care, by
the hands that held me
and nursed my pain.

Lovingly pieced
from dresses, worn
with history and experience,
as if life ended there
in that childish moment.

Where chasing flowers
and playing ponies
was the reason we skipped
through fields, hiding
our shoes in bushes
and hiking our skirts to splash
through puddles and skip
our stones.

So I’ll pass this on
and wrap them in it
and hope they stay
warm in the freedom
of love in these
simple things

Where we
build our own
memories like towers
of blocks and picnics
and castle sand
paintings

To give them this
piece from one
child in the night
grown now to whisper
and hold them both tight.

You Think You Know

The sky I was born under
was mysteriously calm
as if holding its breath
awaiting the sound
of whatever I turned out to be

In broad daylight
with the moon overhead
the stars awaited their fall

For some time later
the planets would align
under differing orders
than this

It was time then and now
as the seasons just changed
over and over they found
something amiss
in the clouded clear sky
opening slowly to flame


~~~~~~~

"You think you know, what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun." ~ Tara in "Restless" (Buffy, season 4)

Going Dark

I worry too much. I have a lot of time to think. This week I had too much. I felt the need to "Go Dark" for a day. I was online in the evening for about an hour or so, but the rest of the day was offline.

I'm at home with my kids all day, and let's face it: there are only certain parts of my brain that are stimulated by repeating letters of the alphabet over and over to my 2yo and playing silly guessing games with my 6yo. I love to color, but I can't do that for 12 hours straight either. I can now recite most of Cars and nearly every Winnie the Pooh movie, answer Elmo's questions in my sleep, and put together most of the puzzles and games in our house without paying attention to what I'm doing.

There are a million projects that need attention around my house, but I honestly don't have the energy or motivation to do many of them (particularly when it's more pleasant to sit and chat or surf online). Plus, it's hard to do them with a 2yo undoing everything faster than you can even do it. Now that my hubby is home during the day, I've actually been able to accomplish a few of those things I've been neglecting. It's nice, but honestly, it wears me out. I'm used to having quiet, low key, low energy days.

At any rate, I've gotten used to spending most of my day online. It's not uncommon to sit down to check my email and then somehow realize the morning is gone. The online world is my escape, my connection to people outside these four walls. I honestly have no clue how stay-at-home moms survived before the internet. I'm plugged in and connected all day. I'm up and down, here and there, but I'm always connected.

And, as nice as it is to have that connection, it's not always a good thing. It makes it easier to neglect the little things around my house, both tasks and children sometimes. I've become the queen of procrastination because there's plenty of time tomorrow to do that. I smile and nod at the incessant "knock-knock" jokes without really listening.

All of that is to say, I've been pondering for a while now taking a day each week to be offline. Here's why:

1. Our worship team has been discussing the spiritual discipline of fasting. For medical reasons, it's not practical for me to skip meals (nor is it healthy), but there are other things that intrude upon my relationship with God far more than food, and these are the things I need to be cautious of.
2. I have been discussing my internet reliance with a group of friends in an online forum. It's kind of difficult to explain the nature of our relationship, but suffice it to say, we've become like family. We've realized we share this common addiction, and have agreed to dedicate one day a week as "no tech" day. This means something different to each of us and that's ok, but we're there to encourage one another in this.
3. One of my friends on twitter came up with a suggestion of taking tech vacations for your own personal health. Granted, staring at a computer screen all day is hard on the eyes and tends to make my back and shoulders tense.
4. I'm beginning to develop unhealthy relationship patterns. This has been growing for a LONG time, but I find myself being more and more agoraphobic and just wanting to hide at home relying on my computer to be my main social outlet.
5. The more time I'm online, the more I feel the NEED to be. Taking just one day to be offline, I find means that I don't feel as strongly drawn to be online all day the rest of the week either. It's sort of like I've given myself permission to be unavailable once in a while, and I realize I'm regaining control of my time.

I realize I have an unhealthy addiction and it's time to face it. Cold Turkey is not an option for me, because a lot of the reasons I became reliant on the internet are still valid. I still need that outlet and the internet is honestly the most practical place to have it as it requires no need to find a sitter just to "get out" and socialize. There are a lot of benefits to staying connected online. I just intend not to let the internet rule my life as I confess I have in the past. I can do one day a week, and work from there.

Even Jesus understood the practice of "drawing away from the world" was necessary.

Purging

It's like holding on to that old junkyard cab
with the rust covered hubs
and ripped up mats
and cracker crumbs left from the nineties

It's time to let go of the things from the past
regardless of the coins in the seats
What are they worth when it comes down to it?
Small pieces of copper, green and sticky with age ~
if they're no longer useful to you
why would you pocket them afraid to let go?

Time to dig in that closet
evict all the dust bunnies
throw out the clothes you've outgrown
that beat-up old hat with visor that's ripped
that no one will ever wear

Go find something new
something more relevant and valid
something that's fitted and tailored to you
because the truth lies buried
under all that junk that's been shoved away
stuffed there simply because
it doesn't belong anywhere else

And as you grow and change
you'll do this again,
many times over and over
because to stay is to stagnate
just like the mold growing on worthless coins

Outside My Window

I’ve waited too long
so when I look out now,
I see only silence in black
with only the faintest glimmer
of soft moonlight hidden
behind faraway, stubborn clouds.

It’s almost like nothing,
this empty expanse
full of distant echoes
and disappearing shadows

Why is it so dark
outside my window
when everything in here is so clear?

If I turn out the light
and get lost in the night
will I find rest
in the falling of stars?