Through The Shadow

stop

please
just stop talking

it's lurking

here

under the oreos
behind the vase of daisies
clouded by this happiness
and childish conversation
joking with new friends

breathe
slowly in, slowly out
'til it feels like tomorrow
or three days past last week

what day is it today?

leave
the wilted flower petals
and cookie crumb pieces
on the tidy kitchen counter
reminders of today

and know
that this day is so much more

than what we see in just this shadow

Fireflies in Autumn

... sometimes we find things in the most unexpected places ...

I pulled the title for this blog post out of a variety of conversations I was following (more lurking to be honest) among my friends on Twitter. One friend mentioned that the fireflies were lovely. Another small group of my friends were discussing the merits of Autumn as a season, particularly since this week's been full of the usual summer mugginess of South-Central PA. I think they were pining for cooler weather.

At first I thought the concept of "Fireflies in Autumn" might be a poem, and it still may be someday. But for now, it's something of an idea that's floating in my head, like little sparkles in the night. Only flashing from time to time enough for me to know they're flying around... See what happens when my brain slips into poetry mode? I digress...

Fireflies don't belong in autumn. They belong in early/mid summer. Everyone knows this. But I was thinking about the things that don't belong together that are often seen or imagined by those who want to see them. Like small talk & superficially sharing lives through 140 characters at a time.. and the fact that I have a community of people who I can count on.

What a surprise it'd be to find fireflies in autumn! And what a surprise it was to find such amazing people on Twitter who are now part of my network of friends.

The image of fireflies in autumn is like the the beauty of Twitter. All those things that wouldn't necessarily come together on their own become connected through something manufactured. But that doesn't make the connection any less real. I've received incredible amounts of love over the past year or so from people I've met through twitter. People I may never have otherwise met.

This week's been very rough for me. I've been dealing with a lot of impending change and I've been feeling (quite literally) under the weather. But this week I've received love and encouragement from some of the most unexpected people both on and offline.

If you're not on Twitter, I recommend it. I thought it was stupid when I first heard about it, but it's led me to some incredibly important people that I now cannot imagine living my life without. No matter what I'm dealing with, there's almost always someone out there who can relate and lend support, and on the more "superficial" level, there's always someone out there with a common interest!

So, in honor of a surge of overwhelming appreciation for my fellow tweeps, I'm gonna do a #FollowFriday (#FF) here. It's a Twitter thing, where people suggest to others who they should follow. I don't like the usual incarnation of #FF, as it's usually just a list of usernames tweeted by someone with little to no explanation as to why I should follow them. If I wanted a random list of people that you follow, I could just look at your following list. So my list is here, with some of the many reasons why I love a small sampling of the people I follow.

Fellow Autumnophiles:

• Jeff - web cartoonist (Zoidland, Frank & Linh, & The Ouro Bros.), techie man, and my hubby - source of endless love, entertainment, and amusement
• Jeremy - self proclaimed "best" Jeremy ever, co-producer of The Ouro Bros. comic strip, and father of my future daughter-in-law

Fellow Photinophiles: (yes that is a made-up word for firefly lovers)

• Sara - socially conscious, health conscious, and my spontaneous coffee date to remind me that my kids aren't the only crazies on this planet.
• Susan - kindred spirit, writer, dreamer, adventurer, and one of those people that I can hang out with even when I feel anti-social

Other awesome people who have taught me that Twitter isn't stupid:

• Ami - amazing artist, owner of the best dog in the world, beautiful singer, and my friend forever. It's her fault I signed up for Twitter. She still likes to remind me how dumb I once thought it was. Yes, Ami, you're right. ;)
• Jamie - the mother of my future daughter-in-law and the Martha Stewart of Twitter... if Martha were actually cool
• Kirsten - one of those moms who just always seems to understand
• Ken - Social media guru & host of Frank & Linh, owner of "The Porch," and "that guy" we all love to pick on
• Shanelle - Hot momma-to-be, owner of Bliss Baked Goods - the place to satisfy all your sweet-tooth needs
• Meg - Amazing photographer and all around sweetheart
• Brenda - one of the strongest women I know, who's walked through hell and lived to talk and smile about it
• Jennifer - one of my most recent surprise encouragers with a huge heart

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list of all the cool people on Twitter, but they're a good group of locals to start with. :)

Redefining Friendship in an Online World

I've taken an unofficial poll on Facebook. Only two questions, but I think I'm good to write this post now. Granted, my poll combines answers of about 2 dozen people, obviously sampled from my Friends List which consists of a small percentage of Facebook users.

I had a "friend" decide that we weren't really "friends" and she "unfriended me" on Facebook (FB). Now, this in and of itself isn't a problem. We all do it. The FB world is a place where mere acquaintances become labeled as "friends" because it's our only option for keeping track of our connections online. Now, as nice as it is to think that FB would create an "acquaintance" option, it's likely not going to happen, because there just isn't any point to complicating matters that way.

However, if you do as I have done, there are many options in privacy levels by creating groups and allowing only certain parts of your profile to be seen by particular groups of people. It takes time to set up your groups and their settings, but you can get as specific or as general as you want to and customize it to your needs. (As a side note: I have no idea why everyone gets up-in-arms over FB privacy all the time; if your settings are set, you're safe.)

Granted, this can also create problems in relationships, particularly if you do something stupid which messes up your settings and you end up not allowing family members to see your profile at all. Oops & sorry! Not that I would know anything about that, of course.

Back to this "friend." We met on Twitter, in part of a local network. We've met in person, shared some very personal information, and we've even gone away for a weekend with a bunch of other online friends. And this is why her "unfriendship" hurt so much. I thought we were friends ~ actual friends. She decided to spend more time focusing on her "real" friends, and I respect her decision, but I was a bit baffled as to how it happened that I wasn't included in that category.

And, since I know this will be asked: Yes, I do make a lot of friends online and, yes, I have many online friends that I've never met in person. I don't use Facebook to meet people; I don't friend random people. I have, however, met a lot of locals whom I now consider friends (many whom I've met in person), and I have met several people in various online forums or games, whom I also now consider friends.

It's no different than making an acquaintance in any social setting. Sometimes an acquaintance becomes a friendship, sometimes it turns into an anti-friendship (I don't have enemies). And sometimes, an acquaintance is just an acquaintance.

A lot of people I know, this "friend" included (by her own admission) use social media as just a game. It's not. There are real people on the other side of the wire(less), with real feelings.

I use FB to "organize" the people I know, to bring together people I know from all different aspects of my life (both on and offline) and keep communication lines open. As I see it, this is the point. Not to be the end of all relationships, but to facilitate social networking and ultimately open communication.

Sadly, too many people use social media to avoid personal conversation. People say things, directly or indirectly, to people online that they would NEVER dream of saying in person. Because the computer is a convenient place to hide from actual conflict resolution.

So the irony: friends who aren't friends, and a vehicle meant to improve relationships that serves to divide people in a lot of cases. I've learned all of this the hard way, and I'll be the first to admit I've allowed and contributed to this problem. I've lost several relationships by not remembering this simple rule:

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, both on and offline.

This is not goodbye...

"it makes a difference
that i’m feeling this way
with plenty to think about
and so little to say"

This morning I sat with Gramma. That's about all it was ~ just sitting. We talked a little, but she was tired and lost her train of thought often.

Her health is deteriorating rapidly. It could be days, weeks, or maybe months (but "months" is far more fantasy than reality, I think).

She's a fighter. I've written about her before, and we've been blessed to have far more time with her than I thought we would at the time of that blog. So maybe there's more time now than I think. But I kinda doubt it.

She can't be alone anymore. Her legs are giving out. Her lungs are giving out. And several other organs have already gotten to the point of "critical."

In explaining the situation to my 6yo, I used the typical, cliched and, frankly, hollow lines:

"She's going to stay with Jesus."

"You can still talk to her whenever you want to; she'll hear you."

"We'll see her again someday in heaven."

And his response was, "But I'll miss her; we should have gone to see her more." And this is what everyone regrets when a loved one passes on.

I don't do good-byes. I don't even say it. I yell at people for saying it to me. It's just "Later," or "See ya," or just hugs & kisses ~ something that says, "This is not good-bye; it's just a chance for us to miss one another until we see each other again."

But I'm tired of saying good-bye to Gramma. I'm tired of seeing her in pain. I'm tired of knowing how defeated she feels. I want to let her go. I want to see her as I saw her when she drifted to sleep today: in peace and rest.

And I truly believe what I told my son. We have our memories, and we'll have the things she made with love for us. It's not good-bye; it's just a much longer parting than I like. And it means I'll miss her. A lot. I should have visited her more.

~~~~~~~

Soundtrack for this post: "Films for Radio"

Swimming in Space

there's a hole

inside the universe

just past that little star

right on the edge

of this small planet

underneath of where we are

there's a spaceship

in the ocean

way below that coral reef

where the starfish rides his seahorse

in the shadows

of the deep

there's a manatee

that's hiding in the corner

of my dream

after all these bits of fancy

make my logic

want to scream

Of Sporting Events and Nostalgia

There's a funny thing about memories. They define us: our likes, our dislikes, our passions, our pains, the how and why we do and say the things we do. Our memories (based on our experiences) make us into the people we become, and good or bad, they shape our world view.

Some of my friends from twitter are at a baseball game today. Because I pop into twitter from time to time throughout the day, I'm seeing the pictures: the parking lot full of cars, the marquis with the Phillies logo & the Phanatic, the excitement & anticipation of the stadium full of people, the over-priced stadium food, and yes, even the game itself. I don't even like baseball, but I want to go.

Why? Because I have happy memories of going to a baseball game with my daddy when I was fairly young. And yes, it was a Phillies game. And yes, they won. And it was a beautiful sunny day, just like today. And all was right with the world.

On the other hand, I have no desire to ever go to a football game of any type. I didn't even go to high school games with my friends. My only memory of a football game, was sitting on the bleachers, alone in the cold wind & the pouring rain. I had to have been in kindergarten or younger, because the only reason I was there was because my daddy was running the lines for Gettysburg College's team while I assume my mom was working.

I enjoy shooting hoops but not watching basketball or playing a "real" game. I enjoy kicking the soccer ball around but not actually playing (and I'm ambivalent about watching). And I call myself a Flyers fan even though I have never seen them live and haven't been to a single hockey game since high school. But none of this has anything to do with the games themselves so much as the people & the experiences associated with them.

Nostalgia is like that. It colors how we remember things in an over-idealized way. It exaggerates the details (good & bad) and makes them bigger than life. The trick is to master the memories and not allow them to master us. Save & grow from the good. Accept & learn from the bad. Shape the glass through which we view our memories and let them reveal the why rather than define the who of the person we become.

The Cold (Shoulder) Wars

My 6yo son is just finishing Kindergarten at a private school in the area. He's been at the preschool for three years now and he loves it. And for the most part, so do we. As he gets older though, the cost increases and we find we can no longer afford it. And I'm not just talking about tuition.

Now, I've met a lot of great women (and a few men) who are parents of my son's classmates and friends. We get along just fine and smile and nod when we pass one another in the parking lot. There are even one or two that I could call and just sit and chat with over coffee if I wanted or needed to. I like them just fine, but barring one or two of them, we have very little or nothing in common. So I don't.

And I have to admit that the politics of the "mom wars" are just enough to make me want to puke. They may not be as blatant when your child attends a public school; after all we are Christians so any attacks must be so passive aggressive that they may be unnoticeable to anyone but the recipient of said attack. There is an inherent snobbery to people who put their children in a private school. There's a "better than you" attitude that manifests in all aspects of interaction (directly or indirectly).

I'm not as great a mom because I don't volunteer in the classroom and I don't go on every field trip.

I don't send candy or other treats in for the class for every holiday (and in fact, I end up throwing at least half the crap that comes home with my child in the trash when he's not looking -- he never even misses it).

I don't buy expensive gifts for the teacher and her assistants.

And I don't have elaborate birthday parties for my child or even take my son to half the ones he's invited to. See, there's a rule (actually stated, if not in the school handbook) that if you're passing out invitations to a party, you invite everyone in the class (or at the very least, all of the kids of the same gender). And most of the parents extend this to all of the kids in his grade (both classes of Kindergarten in this case).

So... here's the exchange that my son and I had roughly a week or so ago regarding the party he's attending this afternoon:

Me: (noting the close to tears expression as he got off the bus and traipsed into the house) What's wrong, Buddy? Something happen in school today?

Him: I hurt Logan's feelings and now he won't be my friend.

Me: What happened?

Him: I told him I couldn't come to his birthday party.

Me: (confused and trying to remember an invitation coming home in his bag in the past couple days) What party?

Him: On the 8th of May.

Me: Do you have an invitation?

Him: (bursting into tears) No, I gave it back to him.

Me: Why did you tell him you couldn't go.

Him: I don't know... but now I want to go.

Me: Ok, you're going to apologize to Logan tomorrow at school, ask him if you can still have the invitation, and then we can talk about it when I can see the details.

So today, we were looking for a birthday present for a child that I know nothing about (except that on the one field trip I did help to chaperone this year, it was obvious that he was "that child" who was always in trouble). I know what my son likes, but I also know that my son's interests are very different from many of the boys in his school. And I felt the pressure of trying to make sure my son wasn't "the friend who gave me lame presents," and that I wasn't "the cheap mom."

He's 6 and already the pressure and the drama that I can't afford to deal with. And this is one of the many reasons that we are homeschooling him next year.