Left Blank

this page is not blank
despite the intentions

random smudges remain
captured in ridges
too small to notice
to anyone other than me

there was something
written here on this sheet
long before today

how long it remained
or why it was put there
no one could tell you now

despite all the efforts
anyone could tell

an eraser can only do so much

the grooves are still there
when the graphite's removed

if you search long enough
you'll find them
the imprint will never fade

they're no longer legible
and can't be understood
since it no longer looks the same
with clarity and substance erased


It's a Good Day

I suppose there are people out there who have more good days than bad ones.

I suppose for them, the fact that I've had a good day is hardly news-worthy or blog-worthy.

I suppose, however, that those people don't know me or understand me very well.

Today was the first truly good day I've had in at least 3-4 weeks. I've had good moments in the past month, and I've had partial good days, but today was a good day.

That's not to say I didn't struggle with anything today.

No, in fact, the same old struggles are there, lurking in this desert I'm walking through. I'm still grieving about a few things in my life, and I will be for a long time. I'm going through a huge transition and I've lost a lot recently ~ things I'd taken for granted as fixtures in my life simply aren't anymore. And yes, like most days, these things continue to cross my mind. But today they fluttered through as fond memories of blessing, rather than as the haunting specters of past treasure lost that they normally are.

I wish I could say it will always be this way from now on, but I know it will not. I still have a long way to go.

Tomorrow will come, and with it a whole new cadre of emotion and activity. And the reality of my life is that I have more bad days than good ones of late.

But that is tomorrow.

Today is today. And today is a good day. Today, I celebrate my life, my family, and the incredible gifts that I've received through the years.

And, I leave myself this note, to read later through my tears ~ a reminder that good days happen. And the sun will shine again.


dormant dreaming

they push me to follow directions
and color all that's in the lines
and I do it while knowing I must always protect
this tiny thing that's only mostly mine

she's new and she's fragile
and she must learn to grow
well within the confines
of the world we all know

she's mine for this time~
but someday she'll go back
and I don't get to know who
will be there to keep her on track

she's fast asleep now, so i'll fall in line
since she lies in her bed instead of my arms
but as i conform, i'm aware of her breath
and i know she's still growing, safe from harm

no one even knows her name
or realizes she's still hiding there
but i know she's a part of me always~
even when she's no longer in my care


The Resignation of the Succubus

February 14, 2009

Lamashtu Enterprises
613 Mara Lane, Suite 47
Gloaming Gap, PA 94823

Dear Ms. Lilith:

As you know I have been a trusted colleague and faithful employee here at Lamashtu Enterprises for most of my life. In that amount of time, I can say that I have found my employment here to be, on the whole, highly satisfying. I’m sure, however, that you are intimately acquainted with my increased frustration regarding my current assignment.

By nature of our work, I have come to view you as more than just my employer. I see you as a sister and a friend as well, and as such, would like to deviate from protocol slightly to offer you further specifics on this situation that has brought my decision to a climax. My hope is that you will, no doubt, realize that my reasons for resignation are through no particular fault of your own. I feel however, that over the course of time, specific changes in me have rendered me incapable of satisfactorily consummating my duties.

When you originally assigned me to our client, Mr. Andrew McClure, I entered into the contract with my usual levels of propriety and professionalism. Mr. McClure was no different than any of my previous clients, as oblivious to the true nature of our company as any of them are. He was, in fact, a fairly average young man, with nothing particularly note-worthy about him.

Because of this, I naturally assumed that it would be business as usual with him – I’d go in, turn the usual tricks, work out appropriate details on his long-range plans, and be back out in record time. I take pride in my work and, as I’m sure you have noted as well, my turnover time with clients has been steadily improving over the years.

It was only after our first meeting was over, and I found myself reviewing every detail of his demands, that I realized there was more to him than mortal eye can see. Unlike our usual clients, it seemed he was disappointed when our conference was over. I was, naturally concerned that I had erred in some way, that I had somehow improperly assessed his needs.

His tenacity for our business was a bit unsettling for me at first, but as I found him to be an endearing young man, I was willing to meet with him later that evening to continue with our projects. Perhaps I was hoping to prove to myself that I was doing all I could for him.

I found myself up against a wall on several occasions, very uncertain of which course to pursue with him, as he seemed to have far more “staying power” than most of our clients, continually discovering new situations for us to tackle, long after I thought I’d satisfied his queries. This left me more than frustrated as I found myself becoming more and more emotionally invested in the project and was unable to separate my personal feelings from my professional stress.

He reassured me time and time again that he was enamored with my work and found me to be one of his most competent partners. This confused me even further, of course, leaving me to wonder what was wrong with me that I seemed suddenly unable to provide any lingering satisfaction in our work together, if he were really telling me the truth.

The more involved we became with one another, the more I realized that the price that our company requires is far higher than I could ask him to pay. I found myself wishing there were a way that I could pay the bill for him – or better yet, merely comp. my services for him. He seemed to be holding up fairly well (more so than some of our clients with our exorbitant rates), but I noticed that he did eventually begin to show signs of fatigue in this department. As this occurred, the usual frequency and regularity, as well as the length of our appointments waned as one can expect to happen when the cost outweighs what one can afford to pay.

Frankly, the idea of our relationship coming to an end in this typical manner was far more painful to me than simply terminating the contract entirely. He was of course devastated to find that I would be walking away from my commitment to see this to the end, and was incredibly insistent that he did not understand my reasons (nor did he seem to care to hear them). However, I feel that it is better for all involved parties if I withdraw from the situation both where he is concerned, and where the company is concerned.

Rest assured, I have continued to maintain all confidentiality with Mr. McClure in regard to the true nature of our business. He is as yet unaware of the supernatural aspects of our association, thinking that he is nothing more than a jilted lover in a misguided office romance. This knowledge causes me pain, which I cannot begin to describe to you, but regardless of my desire to illuminate him with my true identity, I will remain utterly discrete and professional, regardless of my standing with the company. The true complication is, of course, that he and I were developing a strong attachment with one another like I had never experienced with any of my previous clients.

Regardless of his understanding of what happened, I will continue to monitor him. Please be assured, as long as I live and breathe – or at least as long as I continue to pretend to be a living, breathing creature — that the contract on his life will not be fulfilled. Do not take this as an empty threat. I hope to maintain continued friendship with you and the other members of the company. I will, however, protect Mr. McClure from the inevitable demise involved with any relationships with you and your associates.

Perhaps I should get back to the point of this letter. I just don’t feel that I’m contributing sufficiently to the overall direction and purpose of Lamashtu Enterprises, nor can I, in good conscience (yes, I’m aware of the irony of this particular term as it relates here), continue to promote the company’s methods, particularly in relation to specific targets or assignments as I have outlined above.

Therefore, it is with regret that I ask you to accept this as my resignation from Lamashtu Enterprises effective immediately.


Karin Namath

cc: Inhuman Resources Department

A Gloaming Gap Story
by Nean


Simple Moments

There are days like today, where I forget.

It's easy to do when I get lost in myself.

I get caught up in the lies I tell myself: the ones that tell me I'm useless, worthless. The lies that tell me that I don't deserve anyone's loyalty or affection. And it's part of me ~ this self-doubt.

There are days I need to be reminded.

And I have been given some of the most beautiful gifts, if I can only remember to see them as such.

I feel lost and alone often, and then, these gifts arrive when I least expect them:
  • A simple glimpse at myself through someone else's eyes.
  • A simple smile and a "good morning" from someone who knows it probably isn't.
  • A simple acknowledgement of the pain I can't hide, even if it's followed by a frustrated shrug of helplessness and inadequacy and the sleepless nights wrestling with the inability to fix this for me.
  • A simple, "Of course I don't hate you" no matter how hard I push or strike out at the ones who love me the most, bringing them nothing but pain and heartache.
  • A simple hug that allows me to pick up where I left off with a dear friend I haven't seen in a year.
  • A simple validation and reassurance that I'm not alone, that there are those who understand and are here to listen and be the company I need ~ even when words fail me.
So many gifts of love in my life. So often I've pushed them away. Some leave and some remain.

And for those who stay, I'm eternally grateful.

Photo by Ami


There's so little left here that I understand
Things I hold in my heart, but not in my hand

I love you

It's the simple things I'd like to share
Like the quiet silence of knowing you're there

I love you

I think some things may never change
Like the random run through emotion's range

I love you

This merciful trust where two souls meet
And the heavenly fire our eyes repeat

I love you

What will this look like when we reach the end?
I hope it's all truer through the love we expend

I love you

It may be the only thing left we've defined
But I know there'll always be this need to remind

I love you


After Dinner Dining

In the distance from errors
that represents breath
the cornered animal
turns sympathetic
holding ash in faded
photograph preserved

the whole business was
unlikely and it's better
that they're strangers
in misfortune's stream

their courtly adieu has slowed
and their two further doubts
bring the wind to swear the roses

but now she has his expression
and charms promised for history
where she'll recognize the recognized
and mention seeing in the crowds

as while minding every watch
she'll name the sometimes hostile
and fetch for herself
some light streamed
as a sometimes worked live




the end of a day
as the harsh sun sets
giving birth to the night
where stillness falls
and magic emerges
in a thousand tiny sparkles
and a symphony of song
rises on the wings
of a minute orchestra
little lips stretch to yawn
and eyelids droop
as the pale luminescence
reveals to deeper breaths
the infinite realms of possibility


Moving Toward Center

One foot in front of the next
seeing only this step
what looks to me like falling back
is just advancing on the path
steadily progressing
toward seeming regressions
as I walk what often seems
the same extremes
over and over
more of me discovered
inward ever deeper



the noise is too much
the plans insufficient
with too many inputs
and even more jacks
the numbers unequal

i push at the buttons
aimlessly hoping
i'll get the right one

to make it all connect
these random synapses

falling in this place
where logic fails
to meet the needs
of something
far more true
and necessary



memories roll in my mind
like the dark liquid
caressing my tongue

of darkest sincerity
of deepest disparity
determining verity

in the remembrance
of loved ones long past
in moments here and gone

sensing the rhythms
pulsing between
enamored with mystery

in warmth consoling
in strength sustaining
in familiarity confiding

this elixir of life
this conduit of love
this reminder of laughter



it is

hidden inside

it gathers

sliding and slipping
slowly at first

pebbles scattering quickly
shaken loose by passing tremors
bouncing aimlessly in the wake of it

collecting companions, they continue onward
ever increasing in speed and solidarity rushing
becoming a force far mightier together, joining in chaos
destruction imminent as the drifting dirt and rock and dross
charge over anything and everything lying in wait, destroying the peace
taking over it all, creating the destruction of all that was known

and leaving just




(cowritten by Nean and Susan)

The sunlight through the trees
with fractured light
spilled in dusty droplets

and the smoke rising
from the barbecue
like a wraith
casting her spell
of haunting visions
of fireflies dancing
in and through

is creating a strange
beautiful effect
in mysterious memories
of summer celebrants

wish I could capture it
in a jar
to keep it



sweet gentle kisses
of warm sun on my back
with tickling teases
of cool breeze on my arms
the scent of smoked wood chips
the taste of ripe berries
hearing the whispers
of promise in the air
seeing perfection,
that all is right in the world
savoring this moment
down deep in my heart

The Land of the Free

to live in a world free of fear
where confidence remains un-shattered
knowing this solace will always be here
and relinquishing what doesn't matter

where truth and honesty far surpass
faux security and courage long fractured
manipulative politics can't outlast
this dream that we've far from captured

this american dream we reinvent
from a cliche into something unique
a celebration of living our lives well spent
replacing insignificant illusions we seek


The Mouse

We had to move the furniture
To discover what was there
Afraid of what we might uncover
Back behind the chair

The stench had taken over
We couldn't even bear it
Grown into something greater
In our desire not to share it

When we finally found the culprit
The mess that we discovered
Trying to figure out just how long
It'd been decaying undercover



   (a meditation of Love in scripture)

There is no greater love than this
   without it I am nothing

Patient kindness
Truthful hope

Hearts carefully guarded
Souls kept forever

Sacrificed selflessly
   one for another
Knowing fully
   and fully known

Never failing in any way
Nor rudely boasting
   in jealous anger
Nothing calculating
   nor manipulating

Love is never wrong
   without it we have no God

Poorly reflected
   in imperfection
We are but children
   whose God is love