The Ghosts of Christmas Past

I go to, what I would refer to as, a very non-traditional church. We don't have a lot of standing traditions, but one of my favorites is our end-of-the year prayer cards. We fill out 3x5 cards (usually on the last Sunday of the year) with our prayers and hopes for the coming year. They are collected, stored away, and then sent back to us in December of that coming year for reflection.

The last couple years ... I've been broken and empty. A lot of things had stolen away my hope and I had nothing left. So, these cards became more and more difficult to fill out. When I got my card back this December, it said, "Read, 'A Note to my Future Self" from December 2009." And I remembered the journal entry I'd typed late one night last December. It took me two days to locate it as I didn't remember where I stored it, but I finally found it.

I want to share it here (at least in part), because I've reclaimed love and hope this year, and I'm ready to let that grow. Thanks to all of those who've started or shared in the healing process. I love you far more than you will ever know.

December 2009

Dear "Future" Self~

I'm doing something a little different this year.  I'm not making a list of things I want or hope to see happen in the 2010. 

For my card in 2009, I made a list of relationships that I wanted to see restored. I know what I was thinking last year at this time: That I'd strained so many relationships in 2008 and I was looking for 2009 to be a year of reconciliation and healing of those relationships.

Funny thing, 2009 was more a year of Reconstruction, but not Reconciliation.  And before the reconstruction, apparently, I needed to tear apart all that I knew before to make way for the new. I've been through a year of hell as far as relationships go, and I'm still dealing with the fall~out from that. I read the card for 2009 with a heart that's broken and bleeding.  Of those listed relationships, all but one or two (as well as many others) have been strained ~ some to the point of breaking ~ possibly beyond repair. This card is nothing more than a mere reminder of all I've lost over the past year.

I won't do it for 2010.  Not like that at least. I won't ask for anything specific, except to have some healing of my heart this year and to know love more deeply and more fully.  Even that feels a bit like tempting fate, though, and I had to hesitate to write it. I'm beaten by 2009. I'm bruised. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. But in all of it, I am loved.  I know this because, with all the pain this year, came love.  Lest I forget it, THAT is the reminder I want to have this time next year.

So to myself at the close of 2010: know you are loved, even by people who can't say it because of time, space, or just an inability to speak the things they feel.  You are loved. You are beautiful. You are better now than you were then, even if you don't feel it.

Always in Love,

~Nean

After the Hour

in the longest night
fear finally breaks

opens cautiously to light

shedding the earth
and the shadow that falls
from past indiscretions
that lie

in stillness it wakes
brightened slowly in grace

swallowing darkness

it waits

as the world's interference
slips softly away
and the focus of hope

is revealed

~~~~~~~

Solstice Blessings on this darkest of nights. 

May nothing overshadow your love or your laughter! 

~~~~~~~

The Skunk in the Manger

I just returned from our first family Christmas dinner without Gramma, which went surprisingly well. With all due respect to Gramma, it was one of the most relaxed dinners we've had in a long time. Perhaps because no one felt the need to be on best behavior for Gramma's sake and we were all our true selves? I don't know why exactly.

Maybe because we all realize that life and family are precious, made even more so in the past year due to the loss of the one person we all had in common and loved dearly. We used to come to Christmas at Gramma's for her benefit. But this past year, as we all stood around the casket, mourning the loss of one of the most beautiful, feisty, and incredible women I've ever known, the question that I heard over and over from my cousins was "Will we still see you at Christmas?" Funny the things we struggle to hold on to in times of loss.

And we enjoyed being together today. We spent part of the afternoon reminiscing, sorting through old photos, recapturing moments from our childhood when life was simpler and there were no "family politics" ~ at least none that mattered to us. We took the photos that meant the most to each of us and thanked God for the invention of scanners for the ones we might have fought over.

No one asked today where the pizza was ~ a long-standing family joke when we would stare at each other over the usual spread of two meats, various vegetable dishes (including Gramma's broccoli salad), and miscellaneous condiments, pickles, olives, rolls, and butter mints. Instead, we had barbecue sandwiches and some of the "usual fare" but we didn't sit in our unassigned usual seats at the table or eat off of actual plates. And somehow we all mingled, rather than separating into the usual two groups of the "Christians" and the "Pagans."

One tradition I did miss today, however, was the skunk in the manger. It all started "innocently" enough when one or both of my twin uncles (the youngest of the siblings and the self-proclaimed trouble-makers), decided to add Gramma's ceramic skunk into her nativity set ~ always somewhere new. And one year the skunk replaced Jesus in the manger. It was intended to annoy Gramma and was, at least in part, rather purposely sacrilegious of course, and always upset Gramma. And then one year, the skunk disappeared entirely.

Who knows where that skunk is now? Such a little trouble-maker, it symbolized so much. It symbolized the fact that we all come to Christmas, and to God from very different angles. Some of us come as the shepherds, the wise men, the angels, the holy family, or even the animals. But we all belong there - together - and even the skunk is welcome, one of the most odious of creatures to many people. Welcome at the manger.

And as much as I don't condone the skunk replacing God in the manger, I would love to someday find a little skunk to add to my own nativity set. A simple reminder of, not only Gramma and the part that those memories play in who I am today, but also of God's love and grace.

Bonus: Guest Holiday Poem

My little poet has been at it again. I thought about saving his work for next Wednesday's poetry, but it's about Chanukah, so it'd be sorta pointless by then. (It's already a bit late, but that's my fault for procrastinating on posting and not his.)

My 7yo had a school assignment to write a haiku. We had spent the weekend with friends celebrating Chanukah, so he had the holiday on his mind. Late though it is, here is his offering:

Chanukah Joy

playing dreidel's fun

having latkes is fun too

I love Chanukah!

No matter what holiday you celebrate this month, we hope it's a happy time filled with love.

Remember Your Thank You

It's waiting for Snoopy

to float down the street

or watching him deal plates

out like cards

making up name cards

with feathers and buckles

carefully penned in brown

It's hearing the tenor

of Scarborough Faire

watching my father

do his Thanksgiving dance

with the smells

of parsley,

of sage,

of rosemary,

of thyme.

as cranberries and orange peels

fall apart in the grinder

golden marshmallows melt

into cinnamon

and nutmeg

It's being too full

of turkey and family

and dealing the final cards

shrugging off questions

from Lake Wobegon

while flurries swirl outside

Happy Earth Day

There is so much I want to say and feel like I need to say about earth day, but I'm not going to say any of it. Because everyone has an opinion and everyone turns it into something political and it's just ... not. Frankly, I'm just not in a place to deal with any of that today.

So, instead, I'll just wish everyone a Happy Earth Day. Like Christmas, it doesn't matter if you believe in it or not; I do, so I wish you happiness regardless.

Do something to save the planet today. It's the only one we've got. Truth is regardless of politics or your personal beliefs on your responsibility to the earth, you do live here. So clean up after yourself. It's only fair to the others you share the space with.

Peace, love, and hippy freaks (which probably includes me).

Killing Jesus

Absolution

lonely

held here by no one

only solitary confinement

abandoned by the conflict

when all is stripped

and left naked

hanging here

forsaken?

Negation

forsaken?

hanging here

left naked and

stripped from all

abandoning all conflict

for suicidal confinement

no one here to hold

lonely

On Divisions Forgiven

Jesus said, "Father, forgive them,

for they do not know what they are doing. "
And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
~Luke 23:34 (NIV)

Casting Our Lots

Dear Father~

Forgive us as we draw now the lines
in these plans we create with elaborate lies

Dear Father~

Forgive us as we pick up these shards
from patterns destructive and our lack of regard

Dear Father~

Forgive us as we fight through our losses
for the times we forget this exorbitant cost

Dear Father~

Forgive us as we don't have a clue
of this fleeting heartbreak we stupidly choose

Dear Father~ Please, help us now as we cast our lots, wanting to hold onto things that don't matter. May we always remember that in our focus on "stuff," we often overlook the greatest gift ever offered to us: to be seen and known, truly understood, and that in seeing our true selves stripped and laid bare, you offer us mercy and forgive anyway.

Countdown

Ten...

glasses raised to toast new starts

to friends who've come and gone

Nine...

smiles shared in trust now earned

through redundant pain released

Eight...

ball reads, "Definitely"

at the question of removing

Seven...

deadly demons hidden deep

from this year past contained

Six...

lonely weeks she can't relive

but won't forget too soon

Five...

fingers laced between her own

lending reassurance gained

Four...

seasons wait in promised change

new and different but the same

Three...

vows to keep before her God

in purity and freedom given

Two...

hearts unite in covenant love

to make their new year

One.

~~~~~~~
Prompt from A Writer's Book of Days: In anticipation of the night.

The Prayer of the Magi

One thing I seek:
this star of hope
for tiny miracles
born of light

Flickering
in the darkness
casting out
all shadow of doubt

One thing I seek:
this wisdom of old
a journey to love
as a worthy pursuit

Treacherous
with casualties
littered with tests
unsung in the quest

One thing I seek:
this simplicity of faith
in the tiniest truth
laid in simple honesty

Hidden in despair
in the dead of night
in a barn damp and bleak
for all who seek

~~~~~~~

Prompt:

Read Matthew 2:1-2. Write a prayer of the magi as they (you) search for the Messiah foretold by the stars and prophets.

Immanuel

God with us

in these fleeting moments,

sliding from this one to the next~

unstopping,

like cars on ice;

To live in this moment~

the now that was~

in staggering redundant change.

God with us

in the here and the now

embraced in us

in this moment

before it slides away

To something else

where (S)He holds us still

in divinity dazzling

revealing this sign

the glory born

in this one small moment

God with us

inside our flesh

in this spectacle residing

within this gaze

no longer hidden

by the fear in this moment

which changes our future

into love in the now

God with us

January

When last year January came around
Displaying enchantment in effortless charm
She smiled and flirted, promising more
So I held onto her tightly when offered her arm

She swore she’d be better
More caring and sweet
Than that awful December
Forced into retreat

She vowed to live fully
Open, honest, and true
She promised love happily
To give hope for what’s new

But she’s a cold-hearted liar
And I won’t chase her again
With a heart lost and broken
Forgotten, condemned

Blue

it's been so long now

since you've been here

hauling boxes

from dusty spaces

scratching heads

to match colors faded

This goes here...

or maybe there...

no, I think maybe

you were right before...

cookies crumble

as the tree takes shape

and we spread a sheet

in Linus hues

to hide the sorry state

sipping nog

we remember

giggling of the year before

of emergency trips

as we discover

things aren't the way

they were last year

something's missing

or maybe broken

shattered pieces

under things unused

perhaps this year

without you here

we'll dream in color

through the eyes of 6 and 2

but there's a part inside

that will always remember

and can't help wishing for blue

Seasoned Soup for the Soul

It's gingerbread

cooling in warm lemon sauce

and frothy hot chocolate

fending off frost

It's cranberry relish

and pumpkin pie

and turkey stuffed

with seasons applied

It's the nutmeg in eggnog

with spirit suggested

and warm painted cookies

in sugared perfection

It's all that's good

and all that's right

Spilled like wine

deep into the night

In these sacred moments

all meant to be savored

we celebrate love

with these time-honored flavors

The Land of the Free

to live in a world free of fear

where confidence remains un-shattered

knowing this solace will always be here

and relinquishing what doesn't matter

where truth and honesty far surpass

faux security and courage long fractured

manipulative politics can't outlast

this dream that we've far from captured

this american dream we reinvent

from a cliche into something unique

a celebration of living our lives well spent

replacing insignificant illusions we seek

30 Pieces of Silver

My heart is shattered

Tiny silver slivers

A piece for you

A piece from me

And then to give to someone new

Giving them back to me is useless

They are tiny little shards

And they cut too deep

The intent was for you to keep

It anyway...

So these minute missives

In tarnished grey

Scattered with lost love

Spelled out your name

Broken on the ground

Beneath your swaying form

Morning Vigil (Escaping the Darkness)

In the early morning hours

before the sun awakes

before dew lifts

as dawn ascends

comes the call...

"Love..."

My heart skips a beat

Is that really you?

I'd assumed I'd be alone

in early darkness...

"Love..."

It echoes in my empty soul

Chasing the chills inside

Breath escapes my lips

from night's captivity

at the sound of your voice...

"Love..."

Could there be a more beautiful name?

Could there be a sweeter word?

In near disbelief,

my voice falters

but your eyes beckon

pleading that I come to you...

"Love..."

Reflecting the light I see in your eyes

This joyous discovery engulfs me

This unexpected torrent of hope

I fall in your arms and whisper reply...

"Yes, Love?"

To Love or Not to Love

The "Day of Love" is coming... Are you ready for it?

I like Valentine's Day; I always have... but not for the reasons that most people look for it.  It's a holiday manufactured to sell greeting cards and chocolate, to promote red and pink color awareness, and to craft an illusion of romantic fantasy and the 'all is right with the world' facade between couples everywhere.  Wow, I'm a cynic!  (Anyone surprised?)

For me, however, Valentine's Day is nothing more than a day and, much like Christmas or Easter, it gets a lot of hype and commercialism.  And this generally overshadows the value of the holiday.  

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love -- and I don't just mean little arrows being shot from naked angel babies.  I mean love... the kind of love that I have for my husband, the kind I have for my children, the kind I have for my close friends and family, and even the kind that I have for the hurting and dying people that surround me on this planet -- including those who hate me.

The greatest gift we can give... is Love.  Jesus told his disciples and the crowds around him that Love was the most important thing -- the one law under which all other laws could fall.  It's simple... Love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself.  And you can't do one without the other two.  And we make it so difficult.

And what is love?  Jesus himself was the example: sacrificing everything you are for another (heart, soul, mind, and body/strength).  Wow... that's almost dark if you think about it too long (so I don't recommend it).

So... I love Valentine's Day for the simple fact that it reminds me to celebrate love... not just on one day of the year, but on EVERY day of the year.  To sacrifice all that I am for those around me.  To step outside of myself and my desires... and truly be for someone what they need me to be, in the moment that they need it.  

Do I succeed every time?  Hell no.  I'm human.  

Will I die trying?  You bet.  

Will I see this in perfection on this earth?  Probably not.  

Will that scare me into walking away from something because it looks different than I expect it to?  I certainly hope not.  I wanna think I'm stronger than that.

Will I spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what all this looks like? Most assuredly.

There's so little I'm certain of anymore, but I do know this:  GOD is LOVE.  LOVE is GOD.  I'm made in the image of the "Great Romancer" and my desire is that (s)he will love through me with a perfect love.  Personally, I'm excited to see what that looks like.

To all of you on Valentine's Day, this is my wish for you:  

May the God of Love and Grace shower her passion on you today and everyday, that you may live in the fullness and understanding of being made in the image of the Great Romancer.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Post-Holiday Blues

This morning I'm tired.  

It seems like for the past several years, the first week of January brings more than just the typical post-holiday let-down for us.  Inevitably someone seems to get sick -- often several of us.  We spend so much time and energy preparing for the holidays and hopping from one gathering with family or friends to the next -- and this often lasts nearly two weeks for us.  

The sleeping and eating schedules are disrupted and there seems to be more than the usual sugar, caffeine, and "junk" consumed.  Even when we try to be conscious of it, it seems to hit hard in our house.  We're so completely creatures of routine in our family, that even the slightest disruption sends at least one member of the family into a melt-down (and yes, it's me as often as the kids).  Now... add a million holiday disruptions and I guess it's no wonder that we end up sick the week after the holiday rush.

And my house is a wreck... and this is no one's fault but mine.  Nothing like trying to clean and reorganize when no one feels well to begin with.

Emotionally speaking the week after the holiday is hard for me too.  I'm surrounded by family and friends for weeks and then we suddenly have nothing.  No celebrations to look forward to suddenly.  It's sad.  Thankfully, this year, I at least have an Over the Rhine concert to look forward to the first weekend in February and a promised weekend away with hubby that we have to schedule.

So, I'm off to decide what to do to get me out of this funk.  I guess cleaning would be a good start if I can get up my energy.

Bring It...

I'm reading a lot of blog entries of friends regarding the new year.  I even posted one myself yesterday, since I had this moment of nostalgia and ... whatever it is.  Some people are incredibly hopeful with the "new beginning" and are busy making goals, resolutions, etc.  Other are intensely cynical about all the hooplah and "pretense" of new starts and the "artificial" deadlines that surround our plans and goals when we rely on the "new year" as the only time we set goals.  I find myself falling somewhere in the middle actually.

While I don't want to use January as the only time I do this, I find nothing wrong with the concept of evaluating one's self at the new year, with setting goals for the next year (although I balk at calling them resolutions -- because that feels like setting yourself up to fail).  It's good to be in constant mind of where you're headed, or you become in danger of making a wrong turn and finding yourself pretty hopelessly lost -- much like I did last year.

We found ourselves at hanging out with a few very close friends on New Year's Eve this year.  The topic for discussion for a large part of the evening was, "What was your high and your low from this past year?"  My ultimate low (and indirectly my high as well) was the fact that I got lost this past year.  It ended up rocking the foundations of my life in ways I had no idea were going to happen a year ago.  I found myself having totally rearranged my life in the past year.  

The negatives (the lows) to that were the toll this all took on my marriage and family, and even on some of my friendships over the past 12 months.  I was so busy being caught up in my self and what I needed that I missed the fact that I was failing everyone around me, including my employer... resulting in a change of occupation as well this year.

The positives (the highs) in this come down to the realization of what amazing friends and family I have, not the least of which is my incredible husband.  I'm finding myself and I'm rediscovering him too.  I'm learning who I can depend on to be there for me -- no matter how often I fail them.  We finalized the adoption of our daughter this past year, which was a definite high as well, but even more than that for me is the falling in love with my hubby that is happening all over again.  I'm rediscovering myself, my inner poet/romantic/writer, and I've written more this year than I had since college.

Frankly, I never wanna repeat 2008.  It was a dark valley in the overall picture of my life.  There were distinct moments of sunshine, of course, but I found a few paths in that valley that I wasted a lot of time on since they were leading to nowhere.  2009 is a year of promise... a year for restoration, regrowth, and reconciliation for me.  There are relationships that need to be re-established and/or redefined, and it's a long road, but at least this one has an ultimate destination worth pursuing.

The pain and passion that I'm sure 2009 holds for me... I'm ready.  It's never easy, but I'm ready.  Bring it on.