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I hate to exercise.  Always have.  Dreaded that nasty day in P.E. when we had to do the stupid Presidential fitness test, because there wasn't really anyway to make the score any better.  At least my P.E. grade took into consideration my efforts and the fact that I came with my uniform everyday!  I was always one of the last to finish the mile, the one with the highest score (number of inches AWAY from your feet you could reach) in the toe touch stretch, and the one with the lowest score in the pull-ups.  I am NOT athletic.

When I started approaching 30 (and then ~gasp~ reached and passed 30), my health and fitness got worse and worse.  After having a child, and adopting a second, and now babysitting for a third, my couch potato meter just increased exponentially.  Add depression to this mix, causing a severe lack of motivation to do ... anything .... Well, we're looking at intervention time.

We all know the gym membership thing is a complete waste of money for me.  Aside from the inability to carve an entire hour at a time out of my schedule to go, there is the whole childcare issue (I won't leave my kids in the care of someone I don't know, even if there is childcare provided at the gym.)  All of this adds up to making me even LESS motivated to go.

For our birthdays, my mother-in-law bought my hubby and me a Wii Fit program.  I have to say.  It's WORKING.  I'll tell you why:

1. I don't have to leave my house.  I can do this while my kids are napping.  No one else can watch me do my workout.
2. It keeps track of my "stats" for me.  I can see if I'm slacking or when I improve at a glance.
3. I can tailor what I do to what I like AND what I'm in the mood for (or what I have time for today).
4. It makes exercising FUN.  I'm competing with my hubby (and my mother who is using it too), but even more so with myself!  I actually did step aerobics yesterday for 35 minutes so that I could fill the top ten positions before hubby and mom come in and wipe me out.

Now, that's motivation!

To top it off, my Wii makes me laugh. It's programmed to do things like wish me a happy birthday, remind me to brush my teeth before bed, and eat lunch (a reminder that all busy moms can actually appreciate).

And yes, it's true, exercise really does help you to feel better about yourself.  Even if you don't have a Wii, get outside and enjoy the fresh air.  Take a walk.  It's good for your body and your soul!

Depression Magnet?

I had no idea when I thought about this blog idea that it was be such a huge hit.  I've had a lot of people tell me in the just the past couple days, "It's so nice to know I'm not alone!"  Thanks to all of you for your feedback and support.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this morning.  She was complaining about how her hubby doesn't understand her depression.  He thinks she's not doing everything she could be to "naturally" manage her depression.  While it is true that there are several things you can do to manage depression naturally (get plenty of rest, eat a balanced diet, give yourself a break when you need it, exercise, and get outside from time to time), particularly if you know your own personal triggers and can avoid them when possible, there is an element that cannot be controlled this way.  

One thing that is often hard for family members and friends to understand is that CLINICAL DEPRESSION IS A MEDICAL CONDITION.  As such, it's hard for them to understand that you can't just "snap out of it!", that medication and/or counseling may be necessary.  The other thing that seems difficult for them to understand is that all we really need/want is for them to remind us that they love us and they understand that we're doing the best we can.  

Unhelpful responses often include blame, frustration, and the feeling of helplessness.  Unfortunately, even though these things make our depression worse, we have to also understand that just as the depression isn't our fault, our loved one's responses are usually not their fault either.  Usually, their responses are born out of a feeling of wanting to help, but feeling utterly helpless.  They care, but they don't know how to "fix it" and so they do what they think will help.

I am a "depression magnet" as many of my female friends (and a few of my male friends) are depressed.  My father asked me why this past weekend.  I don't know for a fact, but I suspect that we who are depressed tend to flock toward one another.  Misery loves company and all that, but it's probably more a matter of finding someone who understands.  Who better to understand me than someone just like me?

If you find yourself to be a "depression magnet," whether you are depressed yourself or not, ask yourself how you are responding to your friends.  All you really need to do for them is remind them that you love them and are here to listen.  Know you will NOT be able to fix them or make things better, but telling them you want to is okay.  They already know you can't, and they aren't really expecting you to.  Just to love them.  Listen when they need you to.  And hold them while they cry.

"Silly Moon!"

A couple years ago, my husband and I were driving home from a family evening out with our toddler son.  In the sky, directly in front of us hung a huge harvest moon.  "Oo, Buddy, look at the beautiful moon," my hubby pointed out.  Delighted babble and then hysterical laughter followed, emanating from our back seat for the next few minutes and the remainder of our trip home. 

This whole thing got me to thinking about the symbolism of the moon, particularly for women.  Aside from the obvious allusions to a woman's cycle, there's the beauty that hides in the darkness.  Although I do not have a degree in women's studies, and will never pretend to be an authority on all women everywhere, I know me.  I know my struggles with depression, bi-polar disorder, and anxiety.  I know the struggle of the stay-at-home mom who is dying inside for adult company.  I know the struggle of the work-outside-the-home mom who feels the guilt of not spending enough time with her family.  I know the struggle of accepting myself for who I am: mind, soul, spirit, AND body.

Some of the best pastors I've heard -- the ones able to truly hit the heart of the matter -- the ones who've been secretly reading my diary and receiving direct words for me -- have no seminary degree and/or little formal education or training.  What they have is experience, the ability to tell a story that applies to a broader topic or audience, and reflection on the world around them.  They know God, they know people, and they speak to both regularly...

I've pondered much in my life, not the least of which is how the rise of feminism has affected women and their self-concept, how they view God, their ability to deal with life and their place in the family.  The only thing that makes me an expert on feminism is the fact that I am a woman and I know women.  I've gone full circle from girliness and having a ton of girl-friends, to being just "one of the guys" -- hating girls and their general pettiness, and back again to a balance of valuing the woman I am and the women in my life.

I was captured by the sheer delight my child showed at the completely ordinary and mundane.  How in awe he was at something as simple as the moon shining brightly in the sky.  In the midst of the dark night surrounding him, he never ceases to find something to laugh at... usually the moon.

With that I offer my humble ruminations on feminism, my stories and ponderings from my life and experience.  This blog is for women and men alike.  If you don't personally struggle with these issues, I'm fairly certain that you know someone who does.  I propose that we share our secrets that hide in the dark and then learn to laugh together at the moon.