Wednesday

Why Bother?


I feel alienated and isolated.

There's so much going on right now in my life and with people that I care about very deeply and I want to fix it all. I can't. And I know that my own limitations are only contributing to my feelings of isolation. I feel like I just can't quite grasp something very important ~ or even come close to reaching it ~ and I don't even know what it is.

My loneliness has nothing to do with a lack of people around me, or even any inadequacy of their depth of concern. There are lots of people who care about me. And they're coming out of the woodwork in droves. I'm so blessed with love, understanding, and support on all levels right now. And I know this logically and am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL that they are here.

I have physical evidence to prove it. People ~ actual people ~ who are here helping where I need them to or just sitting and being with me if that's what I need. People who call, text, instant message, email, tweet, facebook, and even stop by to visit at random. Even people on standby if I just need to chat. I know they are there. And I know I can reach for them. And sometimes I do. But a lot of times I don't.

Why?

Because I don't want to be a bother to them. Because they all have their own issues they're dealing with and I don't want to add to those issues. And because I want to be there for them and I don't know how. Because I don't have the strength, energy, or know-how right now. Because I still WANT to be there for them ~ even if only to listen ~ but I feel like people don't want to bother me either.

Because I have an innate sense of paranoia at this point. Because I don't want to be accused in any way of taking advantage of anyone or using them just for what I need. Because I don't want the scales to be imbalanced. Because I feel I need so much more than anyone can give me, and so much more than I can give back. Because I don't know how to articulate properly what those needs are.

And so I feel alienated. Completely surrounded by people I love and who I logically KNOW love me. And I'm scared to reach out to them. I'm afraid of being needy or clingy or attention-seeking.

But I'm also terrified of being left alone.

2 comments:

thinkingtoohard13 said...

Between your bio and this post, I'm nearly convinced we were separated at birth or something.
No matter what happens, know this: Everyone has hard times. Everyone feel exactly how you are feeling right now at one time or another. But you need to remember that you're not supposed, aren't expected to, and should never go through these times alone.
Let your friends and family be there for you in bad times and in good. Trust them to help you heal, or talk it out, or take care of you. It's called developing intimacy, and it's the scariest thing we humans face.
Good luck. xo

Deana said...

I've been there before and I think I am there now just like you. I have an extreme fear of reaching out to anyone for what I need or want but I still take that leap of faith sometimes and just *reach*. I'm going through alot this week with my daughter. Her middle of the night cry for help by overdosing on *my* meds was more than I ever expected to happen as a result of her visit. But it is turning into a blessing for her and us as a family. I'm still scared, doubting myself as a mother, blaming myself that this is somehow my fault, even afraid that I'll lose Jon over this. But I'm finding out that my thinking is just that, *my* thinking. I'm finding that I am not a bad mother, I am helping my daughter. It's not my fault, I wasn't there for her before but I am here now. I'm not losing my husband, it's bring us closer. The reply above is correct in saying it is developing intimacy and yes it IS the scariest thing in the world. Hang in there Nean and know that you are not alone. I'm here.