I Am...

Who am I and why am I here?

It seems like right now, my purpose is nothing more than waiting. I'm spending a lot of time just "being" these days.

I've been through the "doing" phase and have come to realize that I have defined myself in terms of my productivity (or lack thereof) for most of my life.

In the past year or two, I've come to define myself in the "feeling" phase. What I feel is who I am, which means I've been ruled by my emotions (and ~ as a result ~ my inability to control them).

So here I am in a new phase. Trying to redefine myself by who I am, and that means a lot of waiting. It's a lot of deferring to people around me out of respect for their opinions and feelings, and not feeling the need to analyze reactions, but to just hear and see and be there for them. That's what I've learned that waiting is really all about. It's always dependent on someone else, isn't it?

I have failed a lot and will continue to do so as I am human, but this waiting is the growing. Because, just like waiting on the people around me, this means waiting on God, knowing that there's a plan, and just waiting to emerge into the beautiful, strong, and capable creation that (S)He intends for me to be.

But, I'm not there yet. And the path is long.. and rough... and often very lonely.

So, here I am. For as long as it takes. With whatever this brings. I'm here.

I am waiting.


Not-so-Prime Minister said...

Forgive me for getting biblical on you :)...but after such vulnerable and...what?...mature? :) reflections, perhaps this familiar promise may be helpful:

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31..I think!).

From one "wait-er" to another...hang on. It's like a spiritual's a lot of sweating and groaning, but we're getting stronger. Really. :)

Jeremy said...

Excellent verse from Isaiah and I'll hardly try to top it, but it seems to me that most of the spiritual disciplines (fasting, meditation, prayer, etc) involve slowing down and waiting. Service, as in doing, is good, but it's not really listed as a spiritual discipline.

I spent some time yesterday watching a few episodes of the Morgan Spurlock show "30 Days" that I had DVR'd and there was one where he was with a Navajo family on a reservation for 30 days.

It was pretty cool, and one of his main observations was that Americans move way too fast, they have lost all sense of tradition and they are very rarely "present" in what they do because they are too quick to move onto the next thing.

Your post reminded me of that observation...