Saturday

Self~Fulfilling

Yeah, I've hit another one of those weeks. The ones where I feel like a monumental failure. Granted, I seem to have these more often than most people, but I've been doing a lot better lately. At least, I thought I was. I just finished up a treatment of intensive therapy sessions to deal with some major depression, anxiety, and bipolar swings ~ all of which have been affecting my relationships in increasingly negative ways lately.

So, I went from feeling incredibly loved by a lot of people around me a few months ago, back to feeling completely abandoned and alone not long after that. And you know what I've discovered? It's all me. Someday, I'll learn how to be grateful for what I have, instead of pushing people away just to test the boundaries and the "trust" in the relationships. It's interesting how this testing becomes a self~fulfilling prophecy of sorts ~ something I had to learn the hard way.

I push to see if you're gonna go. And when you do, I blame you for not loving me enough to stay. Huh? Can we say dysfunction?

At any rate, to those of you still tuned in, thanks for staying with me through all this. I would love to let you know how much I truly do appreciate you and thank God that you are an integral part of my life, but I confess to being horribly inadequate in this area. So I'll just say thanks, and hope and pray you'll know I mean it.

4 comments:

twenty(or)something said...

Nean:

It's funny that we both met and our friendship formed at this point in our lives -- a fact that I don't leave up to coincidence. When I read this post, I could swear that I could hear myself talking, with those familiar feelings, emotions, and fears.

"I push to see if you're gonna go. And when you do, I blame you for not loving me enough to stay. Huh? Can we say dysfunction?"

I completely understand this. Completely. I think I have the same fears of abandonment and neglect and I have no idea where it stems from, but it's there, just the same. You want to be able to trust people, to know that they won't leave you -- perhaps as a precaution against a pain that seems inevitable -- and so you push and push...You push yourself, you push others, and though every particle of your being is crying for them to come back, you keep pushing harder.

It is up to us. Absolutely. But that doesn't make it any easier or those feelings any less real.

I wish I had answers. I wish I could say, we shouldn't be doing this, because look at all of the pain it causes to us and to those we love. But still, it's like a defense mechanism. And once that's put into place, even though you know how wrong it is, it's hard to tear it down.

I hear you, Nean. And I'm there for you, regardless. You've been a wonderful friend these past few months and I'm so blessed and grateful to have met you. Let's not give up on each other...We'll hang in there and hope we can carry that forward into our other relationships. Little steps, right?

Be well.

Nean said...

"You push yourself, you push others, and though every particle of your being is crying for them to come back, you keep pushing harder."

Yeah, you know, Susan. I don't know how you do that, but you say what I'm thinking and feeling.

I almost didn't post this blog last night. It hurt too much. I couldn't figure out why. I mean I post some REALLY personal stuff here sometimes, but this one was really hard to post.

Then I talked to my cousin (one of the many) who pointed out that I have no problem being personal or even "venting," but I don't like to show any signs of weakness.

And, she too is quite good at consolidating my thoughts and feelings into a sentence, because this is part of the problem for me. I'd rather put up the walls and protect myself from being hurt than to let anyone know I don't have it all together.

So... when I push, people assume (often, not always) that they've done something to cause that reaction. Usually, it's just me and my issues.

And in reality, I'd love to meet just one person who truly has it all together.

vickyb said...

Those of us who love you will love you no matter what. You push? We'll hug harder.

Not-so-Prime Minister said...

Some of us haven't gone anywhere at all. :) But we do want to give Nean enough space at this important time in her life to set her own rules, establish her own patterns, to be herself...as wonderful as she is and can be! :) So now I'll quit talking in the third person...and tell YOU that I will be following up by email to set a time to connect with you. :)