***SPOILER ALERT: CAUTION, THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE PAST COUPLE EPISODES OF HOUSE***
I learn a lot for television, movies, and music. Or more accurately stated, I see myself in HD clarity sometimes while watching or listening. I joke with friends that my iPod is smarter than I am, and knows exactly what I need to hear sometimes when I hit the shuffle.
So, hubby and I were watching House. We're a few weeks behind on most of our regular shows we follow (actually up to a month or so on some) -- praise GOD for the DVR and Hulu! Recently, Dr. House has been seeing Amber (AKA Cut-Throat B), the late girlfriend of his "best friend" whom he was indirectly responsible for killing last season. Before this past week's episode, hubby and I were discussing what Amber represents (yeah, we're geeks like that... we love to deconstruct our shows and rip them to itty-bitty pieces).
Now, if you've seen the most recent episode, you'll know that my theory wasn't right, but here's where I see myself in the "world" around me. Because I projected that she was the personification of a psychotic break for him. She is the part of his subconscious with all the answers, with all the clarity -- but also the part that was the most vindictive or selfish.
As a depressed, bipolar individual, I see the reality of the manic and/or depressive spin (it works both ways for me when I hit either extreme): It's the paradox of feeling utterly out of control, but seeing yourself with complete clarity. It's the moments when I feel the most like I'm spinning wildly that I tend to see the world in technicolor. When I know the answers. But it's also the time when I scare myself the most with my ability to destroy everything I know with just one or two simple actions or reactions.
The problem is that as a creative person, I need that clarity to create. Ironically, House's solution was a need to detox from his drug addiction. For me, there may be drugs that will help me regain control, but do I want that? If I regain control, I lose creativity and clarity. Of course, the alternative may just be losing everything and everyone I love.