Some Days I Scare Myself...


I learn a lot for television, movies, and music.  Or more accurately stated, I see myself in HD clarity sometimes while watching or listening.  I joke with friends that my iPod is smarter than I am, and knows exactly what I need to hear sometimes when I hit the shuffle.  

So, hubby and I were watching House.  We're a few weeks behind on most of our regular shows we follow (actually up to a month or so on some)  -- praise GOD for the DVR and Hulu!  Recently, Dr. House has been seeing Amber (AKA Cut-Throat B), the late girlfriend of his "best friend" whom he was indirectly responsible for killing last season.  Before this past week's episode, hubby and I were discussing what Amber represents (yeah, we're geeks like that... we love to deconstruct our shows and rip them to itty-bitty pieces).  

Now, if you've seen the most recent episode, you'll know that my theory wasn't right, but here's where I see myself in the "world" around me.  Because I projected that she was the personification of a psychotic break for him.  She is the part of his subconscious with all the answers, with all the clarity -- but also the part that was the most vindictive or selfish.  

As a depressed, bipolar individual, I see the reality of the manic and/or depressive spin (it works both ways for me when I hit either extreme): It's the paradox of feeling utterly out of control, but seeing yourself with complete clarity.  It's the moments when I feel the most like I'm spinning wildly that I tend to see the world in technicolor.  When I know the answers.  But it's also the time when I scare myself the most with my ability to destroy everything I know with just one or two simple actions or reactions.

The problem is that as a creative person, I need that clarity to create.  Ironically, House's solution was a need to detox from his drug addiction.  For me, there may be drugs that will help me regain control, but do I want that?  If I regain control, I lose creativity and clarity.  Of course, the alternative may just be losing everything and everyone I love.

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