Denouement

One tiny strand 

   of infinite 

 unimportance

       

trails

Wisps of 

  weathered

     worn-out 

worries

   

     shed

Edges unravel

    wasting away

 senses elude

Fading to

   darkness 

fire falls as

 certainty

 falters

How this will end

  is not for me to say

So I wait and I watch

  the game as it plays

Interview Time

A dear friend, Becky, was interviewed on her blog by a mutual friend, and issued a challenge to interview others.  Me, being the sucker that I am... agreed! :)  So here goes:

1. If you had to be on any reality tv show, which one would it be and why?

Okay, this is impossible to answer as I HATE, I mean REALLY HATE, the entire concept of reality television.  If you are going to force me to choose one, I suppose I'd choose a singing show like American Idol, but I'm not even remotely interested.  Seriously, television producers have sunk to a new low with reality television.  I mean... come on... Where is the artistry of plot, theme, characterization?  I watch television to escape reality, not watch someone else's "feigned reality."  I want a well-written story and some ideas to think about.  That's what entertainment should be.

2. What is your proudest moment (so far)?

I think I have to say my children.  I know this is a pretty standard answer for parents, but I truly see both of them as miracles.  I'm constantly amazed by the things they teach me on a regular basis, and I'm proud of both of them and the beautiful people they are becoming more and more everyday.

3. What is your favorite thing about your home?

Not much... LOL.  I think the fact that it's mine.  And the fact that obviously people live here.  My home is cluttered chaos most of the time, but there is love here and creativity -- evidence of my family and life everywhere --  and I wouldn't trade that for the cleanest house in the world.

4. What do you hope will be different in five years time?

I hope to be more settled in who I am as a person.  This doesn't mean that I hope to have all the answers; I hope I never stop questioning, but I hope to be more at peace and more confident with myself.

5. In general, what inspires you to write the most?

Really, everything.  Writing is how I process the world around me.  I've written poetry for people, objects, places, and ideas.  I've written for real life and imaginary worlds.  Mostly, though, people (and their ideas and our relationships) inspire me.  Good conversations over coffee or wine usually yield poetry the next day.  We'll talk, my brain will start churning,  I'll think about the ideas or concepts or the relationship itself, and things will just come out on paper.  

For me... good writing is the stuff that comes out on its own.  The stuff that I don't think as much about.  I put pen to paper (or fingers to keys more often) and just start writing.  There will be editing and revisions, but the raw material writes itself most of the time.

Now if anyone is into this and wants to be interviewed, let me know:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will pick FIVE questions to send to you by email for you to answer.
3. You will update your blog (or FB note) with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation & offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you choose five questions for them to answer.

Truth for Today...

I found myself counseling a young person today over IM.  It seems odd to me that God chooses to bring people into our lives to be mirrors for us.  To show us ourselves and our struggles, and give us a chance to see ourselves from the outside.  And then (beautiful grace this is:), God allows us to listen to ourselves say things to these people that we need to hear for ourselves.  

So here is my "Truth for Today."  May it be truth for you too:

1. God made you IN HIS IMAGE; you are BEAUTIFUL because of that.
2. You are a child of the KING OF THE UNIVERSE; you are ROYALTY because of that.
3. Jesus Christ calls you his FRIEND, FAMILY, and LOVER; you are PRECIOUS because of that.
4. God is LOVE; You are LOVED because of that.
5. Jesus came to bring ABUNDANT LIFE; You are ALIVE and FREE because of that.

Some days life just sucks.  There's no way around that.  We live in a crappy world.  But we are what we choose to believe we are, so we can choose to believe the negative stuff (the lies of Satan to be overly "religious") or we can choose to take hold of what the God of TRUTH says about us.  (S)He made us... (S)He should know.

Love Bleeding

How did this happen?

What made life so hard?

To find me, I've lost you?

Where do we go now?

I need you like

  alcohol

  nicotine

  sugar

  caffeine

Addiction is bittersweet

We're golden then rusted

In love, then distrusted

Can all this be over?

Just knowing I love you...

I do you know...

Far more than addiction.

Addiction is "sin"

But you... 

You anchor my floating

You're home to my roaming

My heart 

  is bleeding

    for you...

So tired...

So...

   ... tired.

God's Face

I've stared in wonder

   countless nights

      whispering wordlessly

"What does God look like?"

Because he's the only one who knows

At least here

   in this room

      in this hour

         this night

He's been there

   not so very long ago

Gazing in her eyes

Drinking in her soul

Before the time 

   he came to me

He lived with her

I know

She held his tiny soul in hers

He knows her more 

   than I can ever dare to hope

so I ask him now to tell me

because without his words 

   yet fully formed

      he understands 

         far more

            than I 

So we whisper and I write them down

   the secrets he shares of her

Because time will pass and he will grow

He'll crawl and walk and run

He'll talk and read and know

The earthly wisdom he'll attain

   will make his soul forget

      the things he knows so clearly now

And I long to re-inspire

Fire and Ice

Today's been an up and down day.  Most of my days are, of course, but today was particularly so.  I'm exhausted:

• Physically ~ My baby girl is fighting a fever which means none of us are sleeping well, again...
• Emotionally ~ I'm dealing with a lot of internal stuff lately and how I feel about myself and the world around me.  This is taxing, feeling like I'm always going back and forth on everything.
• Mentally ~ I've been reading from a lot of sources and talking to a lot of people.  My mind is full of ideas and it's hard to sort them all out.
• Spiritually ~ A lot of what I'm focusing on lately is a complete overhaul of everything I ever thought I knew or understood about God and the created world.

All in all... this combination leaves me with little energy to focus on much really.  It leaves me highly introspective and really self-absorbed.  And I'm grateful for those around me that let me take the time I need to do this.

Tonight was the fire and ice festival downtown.  Ice sculptures and bonfires scattered throughout the downtown area.  Shops open later than usual... and people, people, people.  Its amazing to me how one can feel alone in a sea of people...

I watched a glass bead maker for a little while... amazed at how delicate the process can be.  A difference of only a degree or two can literally make or break a bead.  Extreme heat is necessary to mold and shape the glass, and the skill takes years to perfect.

I'm in the fire right now.  I feel it.  And right now, I feel about as fragile and delicate as one of those beads.  Too hot, I'll burn and melt those around me.  Too cold, I'll crack right in two.

It's better than being a sculpted piece of ice though.  Both are beautiful and finely detailed.  If I make it through this process though, I'll be able to withstand the changes in temperature and last, rather than just melting away to nothing over time.

I don't know what all this means; it's just something I'm pondering.  I'm sure it'll add to the exhaustion as everything seems to, but for now, it's what I'm pondering.

To Love or Not to Love

The "Day of Love" is coming... Are you ready for it?

I like Valentine's Day; I always have... but not for the reasons that most people look for it.  It's a holiday manufactured to sell greeting cards and chocolate, to promote red and pink color awareness, and to craft an illusion of romantic fantasy and the 'all is right with the world' facade between couples everywhere.  Wow, I'm a cynic!  (Anyone surprised?)

For me, however, Valentine's Day is nothing more than a day and, much like Christmas or Easter, it gets a lot of hype and commercialism.  And this generally overshadows the value of the holiday.  

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love -- and I don't just mean little arrows being shot from naked angel babies.  I mean love... the kind of love that I have for my husband, the kind I have for my children, the kind I have for my close friends and family, and even the kind that I have for the hurting and dying people that surround me on this planet -- including those who hate me.

The greatest gift we can give... is Love.  Jesus told his disciples and the crowds around him that Love was the most important thing -- the one law under which all other laws could fall.  It's simple... Love God, love your neighbor, and love yourself.  And you can't do one without the other two.  And we make it so difficult.

And what is love?  Jesus himself was the example: sacrificing everything you are for another (heart, soul, mind, and body/strength).  Wow... that's almost dark if you think about it too long (so I don't recommend it).

So... I love Valentine's Day for the simple fact that it reminds me to celebrate love... not just on one day of the year, but on EVERY day of the year.  To sacrifice all that I am for those around me.  To step outside of myself and my desires... and truly be for someone what they need me to be, in the moment that they need it.  

Do I succeed every time?  Hell no.  I'm human.  

Will I die trying?  You bet.  

Will I see this in perfection on this earth?  Probably not.  

Will that scare me into walking away from something because it looks different than I expect it to?  I certainly hope not.  I wanna think I'm stronger than that.

Will I spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what all this looks like? Most assuredly.

There's so little I'm certain of anymore, but I do know this:  GOD is LOVE.  LOVE is GOD.  I'm made in the image of the "Great Romancer" and my desire is that (s)he will love through me with a perfect love.  Personally, I'm excited to see what that looks like.

To all of you on Valentine's Day, this is my wish for you:  

May the God of Love and Grace shower her passion on you today and everyday, that you may live in the fullness and understanding of being made in the image of the Great Romancer.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Grandpa's Legacy

Tired and worn

   from history’s abuse

More often than not

   in the way

The ugly

   faded

      green-checked gold

From far away

   looks dingy

      gray

 

The eyesore

   that it’s come to be

With every move,

   sheds random parts

Like memories

   slowly fading

      in time

From slipping minds,

   but not from hearts

 

It stands a memorial,

   solemnly holding

The feelings

   and thoughts

      we can’t

   lose

Although it’s decrepit

   and falling apart

Its dismissal

   we couldn’t

      excuse

 

Unworthy,

   this piece

      becomes something of

   home

Keeping his stories

   from life

      and from war

Softly comforting,

   familiar,

      and warm

Memories

   of the man with love

      gone before

Balancing Act

Crossing chasms of chaos

   she's slipping softly swaying

on ropes of restless  reposition

Windy whispers worry in

   tugging toward terrific turmoil

or blissful brilliance brightening

   perched precariously

   trembling terribly

right where she belongs

How long can she hold

   when falling in failure feels

easier?

Jumping justified

   ending errors eternal

But she holds haphazardly

   knowing nothing

but the wire on the wind

taut between two extremes

Holding hands 

   heavenward

Allowing arms

   to anchor ambition

Focusing feet

   to follow forward

Annoyed

You know what I hate?  When I wake up in the morning with a poem floating in my head... and don't get a chance to write it down immediately... then it's gone.  :(  If I get it back later, you may have the pleasure of seeing it.  If not, then I suppose it was meant to be lost to the muses in my mind forever.

Vigilance

   for my guardian angels

Watching...

Waiting...

Worrying...

Wondering...

Silent in stillness

Solemnly swearing

Safety and certainty

Security

Hearing the hurts

Hoping the heart

Heavy and hiding

Heals

Love Perfected

Hopelessly lost 

   in the heart of you

Irrational

Unconditional

   acting a fool

Knowing you

   before you do

Endless soul whispers

Questioning

   searching

A quest to understand

  A mind renewed

Including you

Give me the strength

   to love you truly

with all that I am

   and all I can be

Seeing myself

   how you see me

wholly perfect, 

complete

   lovely and sweet

wanted, needed,

   true

A priceless treasure

of beauty reflected

in and out

   deserved or not

Help me to share

   to show

   to prove

I am who I am

   because of you

The perfection of truth

The peace divine

The joy of communion

And passion of love

Simple Gifts

Sometimes I'm given a gift.  Sometimes I'm given lots of gifts.  Sometimes one after another after another.  Today was not one of my better days, but it was a day of gifts:

• I know who my friends are.  They're not always who I expect them to be.  And I don't always see them immediately, but they are there, and I know they care.  They've got my back and I know that when it comes down to it, there are at least a dozen people who'd fight or die for me if necessary... maybe more.
• I know who my love is.  I'm not always the most reliable person in his life, despite the fact that I should be.  But he's there -- always.  And tonight he gave me a particularly magnificent gift as well.

We looked out the window about a half an hour ago.  The world was covered in a surprise (to us at least) blanket of snow.  We stood in awe at the window for a moment, just staring at the beautiful gift we'd been given.  And then...  my husband flung open the door hoisted me onto his back (without shoes or coat of course) and went running out into the snow.  

A simple gesture, yes... But it was more than that to me.  It was, for us, a "conversation" we'd been avoiding for the past ... however long it's been.  It's hard to explain without giving far more detail than is appropriate in a public forum like this.  Suffice it to say, however, that simple gesture was the greatest gift of spontaneous romance I could have received from him tonight.  

"It's okay... it really is.  I love you, and that will never change."

Going Dark

A plethora of voices

bouncing ideas

with warring rationale

while not one knows the whole

Millions of pieces

like drops on the web

intricately woven

for intimate anonymity

Unavailable

I'm here

lost in the hiding

from instantaneously tweeting

Needing to find shelter

from voyeuristic pings

and submitting the power ...

... silence ascends.

Weakness

I need to know...

I need to feel...

The center cannot hold...

How is this real?

I look in your eyes,

My beautiful best friend,

For multiple tries~

Will this one be our end?

Somehow I've lost you

In selfish desires~

Rising the cost through

Relational fires.

Reduced to the background

from once acting lead~

Through rehearsal I've found

the one that I need.

I'm never the strong one,

Although I pretend;

With all of the wrong done,

My failings transcend

I've gone to great lengths~

How long will I falter?

Will you be my strength

Or help tie the halter?

Simple Virtue

     for Tiffany

 

The beauty of youth

   exceeding mere truth

   You stand in silent expression

The stains in your eyes

   from tearing goodbyes

   More painful than sullen repression

 

Your innocence lost

   from timeless exhaust

   You’re elegant innocence bleeds

Your smile is dark

   but true beauty is art

   The passionate princess still pleads

 

Look deep in your soul

   and find treasure untold

   Infinite mystery I see

You seek to find ending

   from troubles unbending

   But there’s so much more you could be