Fear Itself

So,  I was really good about posting everyday for a while there, until this week.  Suddenly, I had a lot of trouble caring about updating the world on how I've been.  I'm sure no one really cares about this as much as I do, but I felt the need to explain a bit.  It's been a crazy week.  There are a few poems I've written, that I just haven't felt inclined to post publicly, for personal reasons.  I know... this blog is my personal journal... but every once in a while, I have to hermit myself from the world.  It's funny where and when I choose to draw that line I suppose, but it's my prerogative, yeah?

Anyway, here I am.  Letting the world know: I'm not dead yet.  

Monday morning we will take our five year old in to get his tonsils and adenoids removed and get tubes put into his ears.  We're hoping that this will mean better sleeping for the entire family due to less coughing and an increased ability to properly breathe.  I asked him if he was scared yesterday and he said, "I don't need to be scared; I have everything I need."  This was, of course, after I assured him that he would not be alone at the hospital (which was apparently his biggest concern).

I have to say, that made me think.  There are a lot of things in life that scare me -- mostly myself, quite frankly.  And I get stuck on the details of this and that and how we are paying for that and how I'm gonna make this work and won't someone please think of the children!  But when it comes down to it, I'm surrounded by literally EVERYTHING I need; I just need to get that truth to reconcile my head and my heart with each other.  

I have several people in my life who are working very hard to help me to understand all this (and if you think I'm talking about you, I most likely am), but I have a very thick skull, so this could take a while to sink in.  

I can only say that my husband has infinite patience as I struggle with figuring all of this out (like what I want to do with my life if/when I grow up), and for that, I'm eternally grateful.  It seems like I'm constantly retreating "inside myself" lately, but he's always there, waiting for me to come out again, with open arms to hold me (usually while I cry about it).

I think everything that I've ever been taught to believe in is (and has been for a while now) up for debate.  The only thing I know for sure is that I know that God feels like this is okay, and (S)He loves me through it all too.  One thing I've realized, thanks to my honey, even when I turn around and try to run away, (S)He is everywhere and there is NO running away.  This is the beautiful state of grace: pushing away from those Great Arms, only to turn and land in them with the next fall.

So, really, someday I'll realize the truth of the statement my son made yesterday.  In the meantime, thanks for your support and patience.


kj said...

Glad that you're alive and well. (I know--it's all relative.)But it certainly is your prerogative as well as great wisdom to know what should be posted "out there" and what should not. Smart woman.

Having everything you ever were taught/believed in up for debate is not such a bad place to be. God is certainly BIG enough for that. In fact I would wager, God loves it. For when we decide what is Truth (capital T truth!) and what is just a lot of bunk, then we are really free to love and be loved and more importantly, to trust. Indeed, there is NO running away from God.

Great grace for you and your little one on Monday. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

stillsmallspace said...

Great reminder! I needed to hear that too. I love Little Man. Praying for his day today (and yours) :-)